Don't Mention the Soccer
Why should a soccer commentary
Be swamped by verbal dysentery?
Why must the game be merely backing
For all that adolescent yakking?
Just call up soccer on your set,
This sort of thing is what you'll get:
"Hi folks – before we start the match,
We thought you'd really like to watch
This replay, for the umpteenth time . . .
My partner, turning on a dime,
Scoring the goal we'll never forget
(and nor will you, we'll see to that)."
Live action now is under way –
Of that, they haven't much to say
They're big on showing off their knowledge
Of where the players went to college.
And every so often, in case you're
Wond'ring, they might just mention the score.
Prattle and giggle, on they go,
Quite heedless of the game below.
These are experts, they know their soccer
They bring us insights from the locker
room – "Coach told us, we gotta score,"
Now wasn't that worth waiting for?
There's tactics too – such clever stuff,
Of that they just can't talk enough.
It's odd, there doesn't seem to be
A great deal of diversity –
Just play it wide and stay onside,
Switch the attack, keep tracking back.
One other thing these guys must do
To prove they know much more than you
They must sound English, don't you know
American won't do, and so
There's Anglophilic overkill –
Down on the pitch the score's nil-nil.
Please guys, just name the names and note the scoring,
Your constant chat is . . . boring, boring, boring!
— Paul Gardner